It’s okay to ask for what you want…

Have you ever found yourself in a situation when you are asked what you want and you reply with “I don’t mind, I’ll go with the flow” (or words to that affect), when you actually do mind and don’t want to go with the flow at all?

I know I have been there, and it can leave me feeling annoyed with myself because I end up doing something I don’t want to do. Then the thinking and bad feelings spiral and it’s not going to be a great day whatsoever!

In fact, the constant ‘going and flowing’ and doing what other people want or what you think you ‘should’ be doing to be a good partner, parent, employee, (or indeed) person is bloody exhausting at least and soul destroying at most.

If you’re not able to speak up for yourself, whether that is asking someone not to do something you don’t like or to do something you would like, can lead to resentment, overwhelm and feelings of under-appreciation. Not to mention feelings of not being valued; whether that is value in your opinions, your time, your contribution or valuing YOU.

Whether it is a friend who has unreasonable expectations of you, family who are oblivious to your efforts or a boss whose demands are excessive, change can only happen if you speak up.

It’s not easy to change the habits of a lifetime, I get it.

However, small steps and a little practice can help build your confidence, until it becomes a new regular pattern.

I am going to give you some steps to help you along the way.

There is an old saying that comes up for me when I think about how to communicate what you need or want … Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t be mean.

Say what you mean

This might sound obvious, but many people find this difficult. The desire to not get it wrong or the fear of upsetting someone can lead to too much waffling, justifying, and beating around the bush which can lead to misunderstandings.

It is important to be direct and clear when communicating a request. For example instead of
“I’m not sure if I am in the mood for driving because I’ve had a long day, and I have a bit of a headache…”

You could say, “I would prefer it if you drove.”

People are not mind readers

It’s easy to assume that our bosses, work colleagues and even our partners and good friends can know what we want, even though it has not been directly communicated. When they don’t deliver, on what it is we want (or don’t want) it can lead to disappointment, hurt or upset.

I can remember a time when my husband rang me at lunchtime to say he was popping to the sandwich shop on his way home and did I want anything. I declined and said I was ok.

In reality, I was hungry and I had no idea why I had said no (maybe I felt like I was putting him out).

I secretly hoped he would bring me a sandwich anyway or possibly a cake – I quite fancied a slice of carrot cake. Do you know what? I was disappointed when he came home without anything for me – now how bonkers is that!?

I’m sure you also have examples of when you have hoped that someone would have done something for you, but you have not expressed it – just hoped they knew what you were thinking because of course, if the boot was on the other foot, you would have done it for them – relate?

Mean what you say

Be careful of mixed messages. When we say one thing and do another it can cause mistrust and our attempt at keeping the peace and pleasing someone else can end up having the opposite effect.

Take this scenario…

It has been a hectic few weeks and you are really looking forward to an afternoon of chilling on Saturday (yes, it is ok to want to rest) before the family get back from swimming.

A friend asks you to go to lunch at a new café that has opened nearby on Saturday.

You want to chill – Your friend wants to lunch…

You could say what you want and offer to do lunch another time. Which might be disappointing for your friend, but it is ok to say ‘no’

This feels difficult so you say ‘yes’ to lunch even though you know you don’t want to go.

Saturday morning arrives and you dread the thought of going out, so after much deliberation you text your friend and say you have a headache and won’t be able to make it after all.

Your friend has an expectation that lunch is going to happen and is disappointed because she has been looking forward to it all week. If you had said what you wanted in the first instance, the disappointment would be far less.

Of course, there is a possibility that you go out for lunch, even though you are exhausted, keep your friend happy and go home feeling a little frustrated because the family are home and now there are a zillion jobs to be done!

Don’t be mean

You know those people who say, “I say what I want and if people don’t like it, tough sh*t”?

They are usually a little bit mean – their tone can be aggressive, grandiose and inconsiderate of other people.

Asserting you wants, needs and desires doesn’t need to be this way.

I understand that it can be deeply uncomfortable saying what you want if you are used to going with other peoples’ flow. It can be perceived as confrontational or challenging so avoided at all costs.
How you go about saying it will be key.

It doesn’t have to be aggressive, accusatory, blaming, shaming or mean.

So, asking for what you want doesn’t have to be complicated, just clear, direct and done in a considerate way.

Let’s keep it real – you won’t always get what you ask for.

As much as you have the right to ask, people have the right to say ‘no’ which is probably why you avoid it in the first place.

Just because you ask your boss for a pay rise doesn’t mean you are going to get it. Asking your parents to have the kids for the weekend so you go on a retreat might not be agreed to. The trick is when people say ‘no’ to your request, not to treat it as a personal rejection. There is no need to dwell on it, accept it and move forward. You know where you stand.

By not asking for what you really want for yourself, from others and from life doesn’t really help anyone, certainly not yourself.

I dare you – ask for what you want today – you never know, you might just get it!!!